A Gift To Remember Forever

For as long as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite time of year.  There was actually a joke, in my family, that I would require a house built around Christmas.  Not built on December 25th, rather architecturely designed and planned around Christmas.  A cozy fireplace in every room, with mantels deep enough to display my ever growing Nutcracker collection, Nativity Scene, and cherished crystal Candlesticks.  Gleaming Oak staircase, to twist garland around.  A grand foyer, with a cathedral ceilings, to glorious display a Rockefeller Center sized evergreen.  My cards were addressed as I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  My family tree was put up after the town's annual Santa Claus parade.  Literally, right after.  For many years, while living on main street, I would invite guest to view the parade, out the front window, then trim the tree afterward. 

One year, not too long ago, all of that changed for me, and I can actually pinpoint the moment that it did.  Picture me, in the living room Christmas morn, sipping orange juice, and opening gifts with my spouse of almost 2 decades.  Actually, he was opening the gifts, and he had purchased nothing at all for me.  His eyes filled with tears as he tore open his treasures and he uttered to me, how behind he was with things, because work was hit and miss, but after he returned to work, he would give me a Christmas gift I would remember for the rest of my life.

He was true to his word, in the first week of January, a stranger knocked at my door, to present me a package. Not just any package, he was there to serve me with divorce papers.  Looked down at the envelope in my hand, and seeing the words Merry Christmas in an ever so familiar hand writing, those words, that season and everything I had once held so near and dear to me, instantly lost all meaning.

I don't celebrate Christmas, anymore  As a matter of fact, it was years before I could even bring myself to putting up a tree again.  Even then when I did, it was the neighbours that did the deed, as I could barely bring myself to look at the ornaments. Soon after, I sold everything, without even going through the boxes.  I am not sure if that gift that I will remember the rest of my life, was a catalyst to me becoming Pagan or not, but I am sure it helped, as I wanted to be anything at all, but that Christmas loving woman, wearing tacky Christmas garb and sipping bitter tasting orange juice, in a living room full stuff that had absolutely nothing at all, to do with what the spirit of the season.

Everything I do, on this path, is about as opposite and far removed from that woman, as can possibly be.  I don't even own a tree anymore, much less put one up.  There is no special wardrobe, no mantel, and no orange juice sipping, gift ripping sessions.  All of those things, have gone with the wind, and yet there is more spirit now than ever before. In December,   I light candles and burn them bright.  I fill my room with love and light, and hold hands with those I cherish, in the hopes that my spark will fill others, with spirit as well.  I sit up all night long to welcome the winter sun and enjoy the warmth it brings to my life.  In December, and every month that follows, I try, bring harm to none,  with memories of crocodile tears and words filled with willful disrespect, lingering closely in my mind.  Hoping with all my hope, I never in my entire life, make someone feel for one second, how his words will make me feel, for the rest of my life.  As this path is important to me, and I now know, what Shakespeare meant when he said "Love all, trust a few, and do harm to none".

NANOWRIMO Update

For those of you wondering, I did not even come close to 50k in NANOWRIMO.  I might have, if I didn't change my mind part way through, and take on an entirely different direction.

I started writing a fictional story about a wayward wizard.  Then after about a week, I hit a wall and I lost interest in writing completely.  After not writing a single word for about 8 days,  another topic hit me in a dream.  I wrote my fingers off, trying to get the words out, on the second topic, wrote more with that, than I did the other,  but still hit a wall, again.  The second wall, was not a writers block, it was an emotional wall, because the words just got too hard to type.

So, needless to say, I did not complete my NANOWRIMO but hope the few that I was cheering on, did.

Samhain

I didn't do a full ritual, but with two passings in the family this year, I felt I must do something.  So, I set an altar and read the following.

Hail to Our God and Goddess

We send you blessing along with a hug
May this special night be filled with love
We welcome spirits and ancestors this night
As we celebrate surrounded by light
We remember the sad times and the blessings too
As the wheel ever turns, make it sacred to you
A blessed Samhain to one and to all
Old or young, short or tall
May love and blessings be sent to thee
As it is writ
So mote it be.

Lost and Unbalanced

I have been feeling rather lost and unbalanced lately.  It happens to me, every now and again.  So, in an attempt to give myself a purpose, for the next bit anywho, I have done something I've been meaning to do for some time.

Anyone else out there participate in NANOWRIMO?!?!

The Power Of Music

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a very strong love/hate relationship with music.  There were times, growing up, that the only way my folks knew I was home, was when they heard music coming from my bedroom.  I would lock myself away for hours on end, doing nothing, but listening to music. It does have a hold on me, still to this day, and I don't think that I understand why.

Most of the time, what I gather from a song, is not at all the intention of the person writing it.  Take the song Beth, by Kiss for instance, a powerful ballad about a musician on the road, and a loved one longing for his return.  Hearing that song growing up, made me cry and it was sort of a let down, to learn, there never really was a Beth, it was just a song. 


Recently, I had the privilege, to take in some live music with a friend.  During the set intermission, the modern jukebox began to play Creep, by Radiohead, and I instantly got a lump in my throat.  I turned to my friend, and admitted the song chocked me up, as there have been many times, when I was that person,  sitting in front of someone wishing I was special enough to be noticed.

Wearing this black hat, really doesn't make my draw to music any different.  I have to admit tho, I have found very few Pagan Artists tolerable. Instead, during candle magick or times when I need to get grounded, I usually put on nature sounds.  At least, I know for sure that nature is real, and I am not attracted to a song about a sandwich.

Mabon 2010

Happy Fall Ya'll.  Tonight, here in my broom closet, I conducted an Apple Ritual. I would have liked very much to do this ritual last night.  However, I didn't have any apples until today.

This is the first time, since I picked up my broom, that I have set a working altar on my own.  I hope it was pleasing to the ancients and the gods that watched over me.

I played ocean sounds, and burned Sandalwood Incense throughout.  There was even circle casting.  A first for me as well.    I wonder if it matters that the critters were inside the circle when I was casting it?  I think not, they are nothing but full of love, and love is always welcome.

I hope the goddess has blessed your family with a bountiful harvest that will last through the coming winter.

Grab Me!

Not much of a post today, just wanted to let you know, I finally figured out how to add a button! HUZZAH! I'm so excited for me! Small things amuse me!

I do hope you grab me.

Hardly worth the paper it's printed on.

 There is an article circling facebook, that is raising a lot of stink.  

I am not at all outraged, for the media using the word witch, in this article.  In my opinion, he pretended to have powers that he did not really have, and was charged accordingly, as far as I can see.  I am however outraged at the number of seemingly intelligent people, that are jumping on the bandwagon, to offer finanacial assists to this crook for his judicial procedings, all stating religious prosecution.

This case, hardly comes close to the burning times, and in my opinion does not deserve the sensationalism that it has gained.  I read the small article and saw  a man that was arrested for fraud.  What I conclude, is this man, stated he was a witch and led people to believe he could therefore twist the fates and make things happen, and charged money for doing just that.

Well surprise surprise ......... that is fraud and the man deserves to be charged for that.  It is absolutely no different than the televangelists that pretended to have the ability to do good, and took millions from believers.

Witches should be outraged by this article!  However,  not because the reported mentioned the word witchcraft in order to sell more papers. Newp! Witches should be outraged that there are people like this man out there giving us a bad name!

Worrysome

A dear internet friend, found out yesterday that her precious dog has cancer.  When I read her status, it made my heart sink, as tho someone was telling me, one of my own critters was sick.  I sent her a message to let her know, I could chat if she wanted.   

I found out, she has been spending the evening doing some research.  Arming herself with knowledge so that she can understand what the vet means, when they go back.  She is also, doing some Reiki on the pooch to aid in the healing process.

I find myself in a position of not knowing what to say.  I even told her that, I didn't know what to say.  I feel helpless, and can't imagine what she must be feeling, at this point as well.  When I hear of stuff like this, I can not help but wonder what I would do, if I wore their shoes.  I could not possibly love my critters anymore if they were actually children.  In a lot of ways, to me, they are actually children. My precious canine is a decade old.  I look at her and see nothing but youth.  Yet at the same time, my logic tells me that she will not be around forever.  It breaks my heart to imagine going on without her.  It also freaks me out, as to what I will do, who I will call on, when the time comes, for me to deal with all this stuff. 

*must stop*

Does anyone following, have any rituals, or candle magick that I can do, to keep the pooch protected?!?!

Mini Reading

I got a message from a friend, asking me to pull a card for her, on behalf of a missing child in her area.

Two cards actually flew from the deck at me, while I was shuffling and looking at a picture of the missing boy. The first, was the Six of Vessels, it spoke of nostaglia and wanting to share memories of good times, but words keep falling on deaf ears.

The second was The Lady of Vessels, she is a warm, nurturing and caring person.

Remember keep in mind, I am not all that experienced...but I do find it extremely interesting that both cards were from the same portion of the deck(the part that represents what it is to be human)....and that both cards were upside down. Cards that are upside down, usually mean the exact opposite of what they intended to mean.

So, if that is true, I believe the cards are telling me, that he is with a woman. Someone that is meant to be warm and nurturing and appears to be just that, but nothing could be further from the truth. A parent, aunt or sister perhaps.

I don't know what to make of the card of memories being upside down. There is only one way a person no longer has memories to discuss, and that isn't a good thing at all. 

I truly hope he is still safe but part of me thinks he is not. :((

New Moon, New Beginnings

Last night, at 9pm, followers of Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom lit a flame to new beginnings.  I was one of those people.  I really do need some new things in my life, too.  Ever since moving to the big city, I have had such a hard time, befriending who understand the principals involved in having a friendship.  Friendship is honesty and loyalty.  A true friend will stop their life, to assist you in yours.  I am true to my friends.  I would take a bullet for my friends.

 I have yet to meet anyone, in this big city that I would do that for, much less do that for me.  More times than not, all that has come my way is tears, drama and a whole bunch of he said, she said high school bullshit. While I understand, that as a friend I am meant to dry a tear from time to time, I do have a problem, at this stage in my life, watching people sit in my sofa, week after week, sobbing over the same damn thing!  I do not understand, why it is so hard to have someone to hang out with, go to the movies with, go shopping with, and someone who will have your back.

So, as I wrote my list, of new beginnings, on the top of that list, was new friendships. I am ready willing and able to fill my life with new friendships. The card I drew today, sort of said the same thing.  It spoke of apprenticeships.  New beginnings are very much like apprenticeships.  Hopefully, my card is on to something, and the lady will bless me and everyone else that lit that white candle at 9pm their new beginnings.

Confusion

The card I selected today, confused me a little bit.  It spoke of being generous, but then feeling a sense of regret sort of, for giving away things. Odd, I don't think I have ever regretted giving away a material possession, to me it is just stuff.  My critters are the most important things in this broom closet, and I sure don't plan on giving them away.  I hope they do not plan on leaving any time soon, either.

Sometimes, the cards make more sense to me, after the day has been completed.  Often times, I will lay in bed at night and get a lightbulb of understanding over my head and an eureka feeling will come over me.  I wonder if today will be one of those days.  We shall have to see.

I am very pleased to have 9 followers now.  I am also very pleased to announce, that I registered at MysticWicks, as one of those followers suggested.

http://mysticwicks.com/member.php?u=40309

Today, I will likely do more work, on my virtual BOS.  Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Fluffy Bunny Pagans

This was a comment, that I left in a blog regarding fluffy bunny pagans . . . 

I am still in the fluffy stage. I do not profess for one minute, to know anything, much less anything. I am surprised really, how many people, that have more years of being pagan, that I do, are too, still in the fluffy stage.

Since, I began my path, I have been in search of a mentor, in the city that I reside. My search has brought me knowledge, but not the knowledge that I had hoped it would.

I have yet to encounter a single person, who lives their life, by what I deem to be the only rule what so ever, when it comes to living a pagan path .......... harm none!

In my quest for a mentor, I have experienced nothing but backstabbing, snobbery and drama. Sometimes that backstabbing, snobbery, and drama, has been caused by the very people, that stepped forward to try to mentor me.

I have yet to feel welcome by anyone. I have gone to events, moots and rituals, and sat in the corner, talking to no one, except myself.

In fact, I was injured at one ritual, and not one person has ever come forward to offer assistance since.

I have posted a need for transportation to various out of town things, that are advertised, only to be told there is a no rider policy in the community.

From what I have witnessed, most people that claim to be Pagan, seem to be doing so, merely for shock affect. To me ..... that is far more fluffy bunny pagan, than a beginner reading some books.

By George I think I got it!

It took a vast amount of time, and most of my weekend, but I think I have built me a better mouse trap.  Actually, I have built a very spiffy looking blog.  It is actually, three blogs link together.  That  was a task that took a lot of searching and typing and head desking.  But, I think I finally have a place, where I can share the timid words that come to me, as I sit in my broom closet.  Thank you for visiting me.

Welcome Earthlings ... I mean Followers :D

It is so very exciting, to log in and see, that there are actually people reading my words. I have been joining some Pagan blog circles and sites, so hopefully more will follow.  After all, it is said, if you build it,they will come.  I am still very much in the construction phase...so watch where you step, and pardon the mess.

My card today, was upside down.  I gasp, every time I see an inverted card.  Today's card wasn't at all a bad one to have facing the wrong way, I guess.  It spoke of great frustration, and being up against a brick wall. I try to keep drama out of my life.  So this card could be a good thing.

Geez, I hope I am not bringing drama and frustration on anyone.  Cuz that would be a bad thing.

Today, I think I will spend some time posting some information I have stashed away for my online Book of Shadows. But first....more coffee.

Card of the day

Tarot cards have always fascinated me.  Every time I would go to a country fair, I was always drawn to the pretty little tent, set up to do readings.  I never went in tho.  Mostly because I found the prices to enter those pretty little tents, rather steep.   That's not to say that I have never had my card read tho.  Over the years, I have had friends, who were learning and I was always eager to be a guinea pig.

A few months ago, I was gifted a set of Tarot Cards, that a pagan friend of mine, was no longer using.  Even before I had the cards in my hot little hands, I was online researching Tarot Cards and what one should do when receiving a deck.   After I hugged the stuffing out of the gifter, I sat in a quiet room, with my new treasure.  I took the time to look at each and every card .  I took in the artwork, the colors, the feel of them. That night I wrapped them in a dark silk scarf and placed them under my pillow.

I had a dream that night, that I was on an adventure.  As with every adventure into the unknown I had a tour guide.  He was dressed in bright clothing, and spoke to me in a soft clear voice.  He told me I was about to embark on a great journey, and would see things I had never seen before.  He told me some of those things would be confusing to me at first, but with patience and an open mind, everything would eventually make sense to me.  When dawn broke through my window, I was surprised and pleased that the cards had spoken to me that quickly.

I have yet to do a reading for someone else, but each morning, after I have fed my critters, and before I have taken in any negativity from emails, music, news or other people, I retrieve  my cards from their resting area, take ten deep soul cleansing breaths, and shuffle as I envision what my day will have in store for me.  I shuffle until I feel the need to stop, and extract a card.  I lay it on it's side at first, to avoid too many upside down cards.  Should any cards leap out of the deck as I am shuffling, I read them as well.

Today, was one of those days, when I had leaping cards.  Both however, spoke of faith, love, trust and understanding.  I found that to be rather interesting.   The card I selected told me that I was on the right path, and that I had made the right decision. Profound words, since recently I have written several people from my life.  It felt good, to get affirmation, that I was correct in doing so.

The Beginning

I have always struggled to find my place, as far as beliefs go. My parents were not Christian, but I did attend church with family members.  In that time, religion was also taught in school. Part of my gift for taking those classes was a little silver bible.  I read those words a great deal.  For what purpose, I do not know.

In my quest to fit in, I spent over 20 years, sitting in various pews, trying to find myself. I never could. It didn't make sense to me, that there were people in that building, that could buy and sell me many times over, and were happy to remind me of that fact. I know, that some people do better in life than others. That really wasn't the issue, but the boasting sure was. I watched them merrily sitting in those pews weeks after week with enormous do-gooder smiles on their faces.. They didn't love their neighbour.  Half the time they didn't love their own families. Yet, there they were, reciting a creed they had long ago memorized, saying they would, as I sat on the outside looking in.

After my divorce was final, and I moved to this big city. I had stopped attending church services completely. But I still hung on to the words in that little silver book. When my new found neighbours began reading, this book. I did too. It brought me to tears, time and time again. But not because the words were speaking to me. However, because  I just didn't get it!  I didn't feel it!  Everyone else in the reading circle was feeling actually feeling the book! Yet, my heart had somehow been untouched.

It wasn't until one night chatting with a long time friend and being told ... "you are not wrong dear, you're just reading the wrong damn book", that it even occurred to me, that I was not the problem, in this life long battle to fit in.

I ordered the Scott Cunningham books, that were suggested to me, and in fact read them  I was nudged a few times, as I read his words, but I was not slapped, I still did not get my ah-ha moment.  I was beginning to think I was utterly broken.Until I read this . . . ."We are not on this planet to ask forgiveness of our deities"

As a christian we sinners, we seem to never get anything right, all we seem to do is take a knee and beg for forgiveness.  I always strived to live a good life.  I have never weaved webs of deception.  I have never stolen.  I have never cheated.  I don't have a criminal record.. I try hard not to gossip, and look down on people that.  Yet, every single Sunday, I stood in uncomfortable clothing, surrounded by blind sheep, uttering words to whoever was listening, begging for forgiveness for my shortcomings.

I am honest.  I am loyal.  I am compassionate.  I am giving.  Sunday school taught me that I was made in gods image.  Sunday school taught me that god was perfect, yet hello, I was a sinner!!  For what???   I didn't break the law, I didn't get drunk, get in my car, and run down innocent people.  I didn't hold a gun and shoot at a school yard full of people in a lame attempt of gaining respect.  I didn't have my way with the children in my life just for shits and giggles.

So, what  was I begging for forgiveness for?!?!  Maybe it was not having enough money to place in the collection plate or wearing the same dress two Sundays in a row.  Maybe, it was not knowing the words to the hymn off by heart or not owning a mansion large enough to invite people over to  break bread. Maybe, it was being stupid enough to marry a man that abused and cheated on me.

I have no clue at all, what I was begging for.   It doesn't really matter now.  What does matter is this ... shortly, after I finished reading the correct books, I declared myself human, and at that same exact time, I declared myself Pagan.